Just My Thoughts

Life is ever-changing. Sounds oxymoronic kinda sorta but it’s true. You go through like with a plan & you work so hard to achieve it and when you do you revel in that victory no matter how big or small. I love that about life. The other side is when you sit and think about your future & all the things you’d love to accomplish by a certain milestone. When I was younger, I always said I wanted a big family….at least 4 children….. PAUSE… so you notice I said NOTHING about a husband. I’ve never been one to have that ‘big wedding dream’. Just not me, not who I am. Which brings me back to my point….PLAY….. Now that I’m older I realize I do want the happily ever after. I do want the ENTIRE family, not just the kids. Now my thoughts consume me. Did I make the right decision initially & shy away from relationships? Will I ever find the ‘Just Wright’ person? How old will I be? Sounds so simple. Yet for me it’s so complex. Succeeding in my everyday life (school, career, etc…) Is a no-brainer. It’s the family that gets me all worked up. Life sure is ever-changing…..but it’s also amazing.

Current Thoughts....

Life is going great. I'm excited (and a little scared but in a good way) about the new opportunities coming soon, what more could I ask for?! The truth of the matter is, I'm ready to start a family. Sounds easy enough right? Wrong! I'm single, I'll be 32 in 3 weeks and I have absolutely NO prospects!!!! This is not how I pictured my life waaaaay back when. When I thought I'd be a mommy by 30 and at least in a committed relationship. Of course I knew back then marriage was not on my menu. Now I'm at the age where I want to start my family which brings me to my current state of mind....a back-up plan....scratch that, my plan. Since I'm single and not mingling, the plan is more of a this is my goal and whatever or whoever happens, it'll still be set in motion. Confused?! Let me clear it up. Since there's no partner to consider, my plan consists of researching all (and I do mean ALL) methods of having a baby. Adoption, in-vitro, surrogate (although that will be a LAST effort...almost non-existent). I'm not like most women, I actually want to go through the process from conception to delivery. My issue?! I need a man!!!! What's a girl to do in this situation? Well I did the one thing I knew to do...I called my friend Thomas. PAUSE...So he and I have known each other almost 20 years. We have a weird and I do mean weird relationship. I love him & he knows it but it's best we just be friends. We've cut the benefits although it was SO damn HARD last summer when we went to dinner. I could just picture us in the back seat of that damn Charger (don't look at me like that, I was ready!) doing all kinds of things the birds & bees would be so embarrassed by! PLAY...So I asked and he basically said no. I can't wait until you get your stuff together. Hell you might be in a serious relationship then I'll be out of gas and even more pissed. I could ask....no that wouldn't work. As y0u can see I'm still trying to figure this thing out. Lola said she doesn't care if we have children or not. Ok, but I want some...well 2. I'm all over the place right now. I know if I pay it no mind it will happen....I'm just so ready. I don't have much time. I refuse to be 45 and my child is 2 or 3. I don't want that. I need to get a grip and let nature take it's course. My plan is still in motion. If by 35 I have no children, adoption it is! *biting nails* Oh wow! What am I going to do?!

Can you just get over it?!

Last Saturday was graduation at my alma mater and so I went to support my Sorors. Afterwards, we always congregate and sing songs to commemorate their accomplishments. On this day, I happened to look over and see someone who I attended school with but had not seen in years. She and I didn't end our last conversation on a positive note and she was with people whom I don't associate with at all....on ANY level. I dismissed the thought and kept on moving. Later on, I noticed I had received a text message from someone. I read it; low & behold it was the girl I had gone to school with. First thought....this is so suspicious. Just what the hell does she have to say? Ok, just read it and if you choose, respond...or don't. Seems genuine but I still have my doubts; I mean you are the company you keep. Ok let's play it cool. Hello. You saw me? At graduation? Still not really sure but let's see. Alright, you seem to have grown up and moved on. How on earth did you get my number? Are you FREAKIN kidding me?! Wow, I'm speechless. Moving along...The conversation continued. Later on that night I had some drama and was dealing with it when my phone rang unknown. Of course I answer because I believe it's the person I've been calling. Wrong! At this point I'm pissed because you've called my phone not to mention I'm the deep throes of some major issues and you call with drama! Fast forward to Monday and I'm still dealing with my issues. I get a phone call and by now I am pissed to high heaven! So naturally I go back to the person who was initiator. As polite as possible I let her know I can't do it. I hear you saying your intentions were good however all of this back and forth, I can't and won't do it. Thank you goodbye. Moments later my phone rings and she wants to discuss the message. That's fine, let's discuss it. At the end of the conversation I was still a little hesitant about allowing her back into my life as a friend. Over the past couple of years I've trusted those not in my inner circle less and less and just kept to myself. Somehow because of one person my name is always involved in some drama. When do you grow up? When do you say enough is enough? We don't talk in at all yet and still you still find ways and come up with gimmicks to contact me! It's over and done with. As I started writing this entry my question was when do people grow up and move on. I just received some words of encouragement that states, 'Your expectation of people should never be too high. People do what they want, not what you would like. Little expectations = less disappointments." Well hot damn, I have my answer! That's my truth...

What I've Learned

This morning I was having a conversation with J & we were discussing her upcoming graduation on Saturday. Some how or another, the conversation turned to the drama unfolding. One thing that we both agreed on was how much we have changed since crossing those burning sands. At that moment I realized something...we all have changed. Now albeit some have not as of yet, the majority of us have. Some view change as being bad or uncalled for however when you take a closer look, it's not bad at all. I can honestly say since spring 2002, I have become a different person and I love it! My matriculation did not end once I walked across that stage with my degree in my right hand; at that very moment it begun. Here I was closing one chapter in my life only to start a new one. Yes there have been bumps in the road but I wouldn't change anything about my experience. I oftentimes run across people who just seem to be sitting stagnant and are okay with not moving. I've come to realize why. They feel as though their life has changed and they continue to matriculate. Totally fine with me but my question to them is, have you taken yourself outside yourself? Have you done a survey of your life thus far? We live in an age where so much of ourselves is accessible to everyone. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. It can be good because it'll give you an opportunity to step outside yourself and view your life as others view it. It becomes bad when we constantly use these entities to display our lives as if this is an exhibit. Please don't misconstrue anything I'm about to say, I am a Social Network JUNKIE!!!! I love all things social. But these displays of ignorance on the networks are getting out of control! When will adults realize Face Book does not want to know how much you hate your ex's new squeeze. Twitter doesn't care how much you dislike someone you see everyday nor do they want to read the two of you going back and forth like kids on the school-yard. Is this what we've become? A society that doesn't handle issues like 2 people should, by engaging in those heart-to-heart conversation. What if these great networks didn't exist, then how would you handle the situation? I personally am afraid of what's next. I will tell you what I've learned. I've learned that change is inevitable and needed. Being in this space today and being afforded the opportunities I have had did not happen just because I live and breathe air. It happened not only because I have changed and will continue to change and with those changes comes growth...

Proposed Merger of Southern University with White Institution Faces Stiff Opposition | The Afro-American Newspapers | Your Community. Your History. Your News.

Proposed Merger of Southern University with White Institution Faces Stiff Opposition The Afro-American Newspapers Your Community. Your History. Your News.

Women's History Month

So while writing in tumblr, I was thinking of the importance of praising our women. Women have shaped and molded the society for centuries. They've built & ruled monarchies, fought for freedom & equality among the masses and of course raised the children of the world. I for one have so much appreciation for women of the world. I hope to one day join the ranks of mothers & continue to fight for years to come.

Women have given me so many invaluable lessons. I was reminiscing about the women in my life and for the most part they all have one thing in common; they are all plus-sized divas. Now don't get it twisted, I am all for healthy people. But these women made me feel good about my body & let me know if there was something I didn't like, change it. This has brought me to my journey now. I have realized I do not like the current state I'm in and therefore have decided to do something about it. So this women's history month not only will I focus on the accomplishment of women everywhere I will also ensure women everywhere continue to become healthy so that we can carry on the legacy of the great women before us.

I'll admit it...

So a maybe about a week ago one of the many twitter apps out there was suspended. Of course it's the one I use. At first I thought, no problem it'll be up and running before the end of the day. I was so wrong. Sooo that left me no choice but to download the app specifically for my phone. As I used it, I realized just how much I use social networks. I was having a real fit because my FAVOURITE app was not working!!!!!! I was telling Lola about it and she said, are you kidding me?! You're upset because you can't tweet?! At that moment I realized, I'm a social network junkie. Facebook has taken a back seat to my new found networks. So I was thinking, why am I such a social junkie? I wasn't like this growing up, what happened? So far the only answer I've come up with is, it's my way of staying informed and abreast. It's real-time news....as it happens. What can get better than that. I mean I don't write about anything in particular (although fashion & entertainment interest me). What else could it be. Well I just like being able to stay in touch with the world. Oftentimes I find myself (especially living in SoFla) out of the loop on everything and not being able to put my 22 cents in. This gives me the perfect outlet. Here goes. Hi my name is Suhailah and I'm a social network junkie....and proud of it!