Random Thoughts

So Lola and I were having a conversation last night as we always do and the topic of what's going on in our lives came up. She made a statement that I thought was dead-on right. She said she has a feeling of unsettling and I asked what could she possibly be unsettled about. To my surprise she stated the relationship with my father. Now I'm not against their relationship nor do I say anything negative about it. I did however ask what the problem was. While she was talking I began to reflect upon my own feelings. It became crystal clear that I feel as though I'm not doing what I had hoped to be doing by this age. I feel that now is the time for be to be settling into a career that I'll have for the next 25-30 years. So what to do? First, I'm going to finish my graduate degree and then begin Law School....full time! I'm so ready to leave South Florida and go North. This is step one in that journey...

Introducing...

Hey blog city! So while eating lunch today, I thought why not start a blog. My next thought was what the hell can I blog about. Well I decided to blog about my life....at it's current state. I have to admit I've never been one to blog. However, while watching Julie & Julia, I decided it seemed like something pretty cool. So here I go...

I'm a 30 year-old NA/AA female from the City of Wind. I currently reside in South Florida...and I am not happy. I moved back here 4 almost 5 years ago and everyday I stay I feel as though I'll be here forever!!!!! Now don't get me wrong, I love my friends here and will miss them dearly. It's just this is NOT the place for me. I LOVE the North and all it has to offer. I miss the culture, the vibrancy and the eclectic nature of it all. Granted moving back to Chicago is not an option....for now. I have my sights set on the DMV. I've visited and I absolutely adored it! The city reminded me so much of Chicago yet it was so different at the same time. Call me a gypsy or nomad (trust I've been called that) but I just love experiencing different cities and have no qualms about moving.

So for a bit of background. I'm the oldest of 2, my little sister just turned 20 yesterday. For almost 11 years before she came, it was just me and my Lola. She's my mommy and daddy and for a while my sibling. I love her sooooo much and I want to be just like her as I grow up. My sister and I did go through the usual sibling rivalry. This was AFTER I had pretty much raised her. Nana died 4 months after Sissy (my sister) was born and Lola took it ROUGH! I instantly became Mommy. Changing diapers, grocery shopping, prepping bottles & baby bags, doing laundry became a constant in my life. Dealing with the death of a grandparent, puberty and a new school was rough on me but through my faith, I can honestly say I made it! Lola got better and I was excited to go back to being a kid again.

Fast forward, I'm now in high school. So let me take you back. Lola has always been a teacher/tutor of some sort. So there's this young man, 2 years younger than I. When I say I could NOT stand him!!!! OMG he was like a freakin tick!!!!! Here I am JUST getting used to the idea of having to share her with someone who does NOT go home and here he comes. WOW mommy! I soon learned life is funny. Now keep in mind I've never laid eyes on this specimen....oh but when I did. HONEY!!!!!! Instantly fell in love. You couldn't tell me isht. This was what I wanted. To this day I cannot begin to express what my mind was going through at 13 but I will say this, he was and still is the ONLY man I have ever been in love with. Which brings me to today. So after visiting home last week, I keep reflecting on the conversation we had last week at dinner. Talk about a change...make that a 180 degree change! I could whip his ex-fiance's ass!!!!!!!! All I kept saying that night and keep saying to this very day, what in the hell did she do to my baby?! *pause* So let's get this straight. I love women. Always have. HE is the ONLY man I would EVER marry. Sounds confusing I know but hey, it's me! I know it's because we've known each other 20 years and I feel comfortable (I have no clue why) around him. He makes me feel safe. He knows how I feel and I've told him that if he were a girl, we'd be married. *play* So i'm sitting in the car lookin him dead in his eye and all I could do was shake my daggon head! I wanted to go and find ole girl and whip the livin crap outta her! I know we all experience things in life that changes us but damn I was so NOT ready for this. This is supposed to be the father of our children (yea he's not baby daddy material). I've already planted that seed, trust me! Part of me is like just forget about it and move on and the other part is not allowing me to let go. This would be so much easier if he would just communicate with me on a regular...